One's own agency.

Sometimes I need to remind myself that it's ok for me to have fun too. That is, to think about my own fun as being equally important when I'm attempting to have fun with others.

Maybe it's part of my astrology. Maybe it's just some weird slice of codependent bullshit that's grown in my breast over the past few years, some echo of some abandonment issue that still being exorcised. But there are times when I have to tell myself to remember that it isn't all about me playing the entertainer for others, that I'm important to... and that, sometimes, I'll be with someone else and not enjoying it and that's ok. Doesn't mean that I'm fucked up. Doesn't mean that I'm not capable of having fun with others.

To deny this in myself is to give away my own power, to deny myself my own agency unto my own happiness. That would mean making my fun dependent on whether or not the person I was with was having fun... which also means if they stopped having fun, then I'd be "required" to stop too.

Eeuw.

This is probably obvious to many people. But like most simple things that appear to be obvious, I see something profound in remembering this, and in remembering this during the current slice of my life. I like it because it reminds me that being whole unto myself means simply embracing enjoyment for its own sake, like laughter, like art.